Do I Turn Here????

The best way to get to Boyle, Mississippi from Houston, Texas will drive you ‘nuts,’ if you are a big fan of the Interstate freeway system. There’s no getting on The “5”, drive like hell until you get to your destination…ain’t gonna happen.

Once you get onto the Beltway in Houston and head north, you soon discover the Beltway isn’t quite finished. So you get through all the stoplights and finally get to the ‘59’, the Fun has just begun.

But, hey, let’s just leap forward 7 hours to travel 350 miles so far… to where you make the cutoff from I-20 onto Highway 165 outside of Monroe, Louisiana. Here you head northeast towards Arkansas, one red light after another awaits you for the first 15 miles.

Apparently, each one-mile stretch between lights is a NASCAR training ground and if you aren’t prepared to “floor it”, be ready for Bubba to drive his Ford 250 into your tail pipe. Stopping on this stretch of the Talladega for fuel will require a 4-wheel drift into the local Shell, accompanied by an air horn blast from a semi with a “How’s my driving?” bumper sticker on his “reefer” unit.

Getting gas, of course, is half the reason for the stop and one can only hope, the restrooms are, well, if not clean, actually not a testing ground for the Disease Control Center.

A few years back, my good friend, Howard and I drove from Charleston, South Carolina to Los Angeles. It was on this trip, I discovered that the Big Truck Stops are not the place to find an undiscovered hidden gem for fine cuisine and clean restrooms. I actually convinced myself a few more miles on the road were certainly better than using these ‘state of the art facilities.’

Well, regardless, 165 consist of a series of small towns, then wide-open stretches and then more small towns. Cruise Control is an option that you don’t get to use much. Just outside of Bonita is a ‘flashing sign’ that says “Speed Trap Ahead”…not a little sign, but a big billboard. Apparently, somebody is really annoyed with the local police or this is a very clever ploy by the local village to discourage “Yankees” from blowing through town. Worked for me.

When you get into Arkansas, you enter the land of catfish farms, rice fields and road construction. The Southern term “fixin to go” as it turns out must apply to all the roadwork in the South. Males in matching outfits do much of this work, not so much Nomex, as stripped pants and shirts. In Arkansas, these matching outfits come in black and white stripes; while in Mississippi, they are more of a green and white tone. Mississippi is more fashion aware it would seem.

The thing about rice farms is they seem to attract bugs... very large bugs with wings that seem to enjoy ending their short lives by dive-bombing onto your windshield. I believe you can pick up around 75 pounds of these little critters on your grill.

Ok, then…so we cross the Mississippi River on a 2-lane steel bridge that was built roughly around the Civil War or so it would seem. There is no way to get across this narrow, wobbly thing without a Semi suddenly appearing from the other direction. I am convinced there is a spotter and his sole job is to send Big Rigs in your direction at the narrowest point of the bridge. I always think of the movie “Duel” when crossing this bridge.

We finally make it to Greenville, Mississippi. We are now in the official home of NO Starbucks and drinking water is only that in name. We decide to stop at the local Kroger’s to stock up on some supplies. As we get there, we notice a local TV film crew and opt out of stopping and proceed onto Boyle.

We decide to hit the super duper, really freaking BIG Wal-Mart in Cleveland to get the essentials we will need. On the way back to Boyle, we decide to refuel and look for a carwash. There are 2 stations in town that have “Drive Thru” carwashes, the Exxon and the Shell stations.

Unfortunately, during one night, someone had stolen every piece of the carwash, except the building, at the Exxon. I suspect the Shell folks on this one.

We fill up our car and enter the car wash to remove the dead bugs. As the Vortex blowers shake rattle and roll the vehicle, I notice that we need to exit the carwash down a red clay, dirt road. Genius marketing plan! It’s not like you can use the carwash at the Exxon to rinse off the newly acquired dirt. As I said, I suspect the Shell folks of the aforementioned larceny of the Exxon Carwash.

So we get to our destination and settle down. After a fine meal, we watch the local news. It seems that the local Delta news hour has a segment that is a bit of investigative news reporting.

Instead of “60 Minutes,” it is more like 60 seconds. The name of the piece is “What’s That, You Say?”

Cut to the local Kroger’s in Greenville where the “Mike Wallace” of the Delta is doing a story on folks who merely drive across parking lots and don’t use the clearly marked lanes. Unbelievably, they simply drive over empty parking spots and make u-turns at random… if you look closely, you can see a black SUV with Texas plates pulling a clearly illegal u-turn …