Ok, let me try the boneless pigeon wings

Ever wonder how some people got their job, let alone, kept it?

I don’t anymore; I just shake my head and do the best I can with the sick feeling in my stomach.

So here I am, new kid on the block at a refinery in Southern California. It’s the first week on the job and all that; I have already decided this may be the oddest cast of characters I have ever seen assembled in one staff meeting.

The young engineer, who runs our group, is a cowboy in the big city. Good guy… if not a little on the naïve side. We have a former admin assistant who reminds me a great deal of a fading homecoming queen. We have a very talented “kid” from South Central who tends to cover up his genius with the ‘class clown’ approach. At 23, he has already made up his mind that he has no chance for promotion. (I find this very sad.) We then have the "Bird Man of Alcatraz", the point of this whole rant, and me.
The guy from the other refinery and not likely to get a ‘Welcome to the Club’ hug soon….

I should point out that this was right after a infamous “re-org” that our industry has become so well known for. A “re-org” became as useful as the never-ending studies of Procurement Practices and Workflow Processes. My thought here was, just sit still and everything will go full circle, so that at some point you are the leaders in the industry.

Ok, so it became clear rather quickly, that in spite of any real pressing concerns such as developing a budget and so on, the real issue was the pigeons in the Shop area.

Tried as we might, the Birdman was not going to "drop" this issue. Because of the warmer climes in the area, the large Shop doors to the Maintenance areas were always left open. The end result being that pigeons flew in and out frequently and do what pigeons do. They eat and then get rid of what they eat, a simple fact of nature.

Speaking of pigeons, a friend of ours in California tells a great story about a wedding that involves pigeons. Seems the budget for the wedding was a tad tight and some compromises were to be made. The bride had always had her heart set on doves being released after the ceremony and watching them fly to the heavens to indicate the new start of the marriage. Seeing the price for these beautiful birds was going to be prohibitive, it was suggested to use pigeons instead. I have always considered pigeons as rats with wings, but nevertheless, pigeons were gathered up for the ceremony. Right on cue, at the exact moment the pigeons were released. They flew a couple of feet, settled to the ground and began eating the tossed rice and so on. They spent the rest of the afternoon pecking at food and guest’s feet. Well, it seemed like a good idea…

Ok, so the Birdman was convinced that the reason we had such a problem with the pigeons was that the hourly folks were feeding them. He was particularly suspicious of the welders, since they were notorious for their need to feed the pigeons.

To say he was obsessed with this would be a huge under-estimation of the nerd qualities of this guy.

A few weeks later, we are gathered for another staff meeting. I waited to see when the pigeons would take flight, as it were. Sure enough, we came around the table to the Birdman and he, with great flair, dropped a piece of paper on the conference room table. We all looked at him, then to the piece of official looking paper on the table, and then back to staring at him.

“It’s a report on pigeon droppings,” he exclaimed. We continued to stare. “I had the Health Department analyze what was in the droppings,” he said with even more certainty.
(More staring with some jaw dropping this time.)

“ The samples were full of chips and cookies, which shows that the Shop’s folks are feeding them,” he stated. I just looked around the room waiting for someone to say something. Only surprised faces looked back, so I felt I had to say something.

“I’m not sure what amazes me more,” I started. “The fact that you had pigeon shit sent to a lab or the fact that you are actually admitting to that, as if it were a good thing.”

The Birdman began to protest about the validity of his study.
“Does your lab report indicate whether these pigeons are flightless?” I asked.
“What is the difference?” he replied.
“ I guess I’m thinking they actually fly over the fence and eat the food behind the local Spires restaurant. And just fly back over here to crap, just to annoy you and make the welders look bad.”

Next time you wonder why gas costs so much…